The Thought of the Week
Now then, most of thoughts of the week will probably come from the
various radio shows I listen to while doing my deliveries. However,
some will be from something I've experienced over
the week. I thought it'd
be rather humorous. I'm going to do my best to keep this alive, its fun.
It will be a sunday update in my journal and a mass update here ,
almost always, unless I hear something
funny that qualifies some other time during the week.
Any skipped weeks are officially termed TotW Vacation Days.
"On hold, no one can hear you scream."
December 6, 2004
" It finally happened. Somebody has actually noticed how bad it has
gotten. Today, a co-worker accuesed me of making a joke that was
"Dangerously Cheesy". I very much wish that I could remember what
the joke even was, but just the quote of "Dangerously Cheesy" worked
for me, and for this weeks "Thought of the week". "
December 11, 2004
" "Did you see our key chains?...We got classy key chains."
I guess you had to be there for that one, it loses something
in a text version. "
December 12, 2004 (runner up)
"....I think I hate this...."
in reference to my teeth, or lack there of.
December 17, 2004
"Man 1: Are you really going back in there?
Man 2: Yeah. Besides; he took my boots.... nobody takes my boots."
December 29, 2004
" This quote came from a small
school boy who was fearful that the class bully was
going to steal his lunch again.
"People aren't humans." I was rather confused by this,
and yet it makes sense as well. "
January 1, 2005
"Welcome to the Grand Ol' Oi Vey."
January 9, 2005
"Who ever said this place was habitable?" Radio host
refering to the cold temperature outside in Wisconsin.
January 15, 2005
" BMW, the auto manufacturer, had recalled 5 and 7 series
cars because of defective seat warmers. They worked too
well and "may cause harm to seating material of both vehicle
and driver." "
January 15, 2005 (runner up)
" So you thought your job was bad?
Try being employed to fold origami flowers. More than a thousand
per day, to the point that you think switching colors of paper
was one of the best things to happen to you.
You finally finish your endless task of flower folding, and deliver
them to the house that is being shown off to a large gathering of people
just to have the flowing comment made: "I like the house, I just
wouldn't be able to live with all those flowers."
Makes your job seem not so bad, does it? "
January 23, 2005
"What's the difference between an airline pilot and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four!"
I really hope this is not the case when I get a flying job....
January 30, 2005
Scientists have discovered that llamas have a property
that inhibits dandruff, so, when you go out for the evening,
don't forget to wear a llama on your head.
We have llamas for all occasions, formal llamas, causal
llamas, dress llamas, even llamas for just lay around
the house in. For our more active customers, ask about
our line of sport llamas.
February 6, 2005
"Never speak Dutch to a Japanese rat, they won't understand you."
February 14, 2005
"I have to be the luckiest guy on, or above the face of the earth.
Thank you Jessica". -Dan
February 21, 2005
" Two or three MIT graduates, along with a mathematician were painting
a room. They noticed that the light fixture on the ceiling would not
work due to bare wires hanging down. A debate raged on for hours as to
why they should or shouldn't just grab the wires, twist them together
and not have to paint in the dark. Just then, the neighbor, who barely
finished high school, comes over and without breaking stride, walks
into the room, says "What the heck are you guys doing painting in
the dark?", grabs a chair, climbs up, twists the wires together, and
the lights come on. The moral of the story: "He was unencumbered by the
thought process." "
March 8, 2005
"You've never slept in bunk beds with your boss
until you've slept in bunk beds with your boss on
an aircraft carrier."
March 20, 2005
" "Post-operative -- A letter carrier"
- Definitions
Subject : Medical Terminology "
March 29, 2005
"April 1st is just another day to remind us what we are like
all the other 364 days of the year." -Mark Twain (I think)
April 6, 2006
" ::looking through stacks of dusty records to find anything interesting::
Host: And you do this for fun?
Guy: Yeah, its great, you never know what you're going to get!
Host: You're going to get mold poisoning! "
April 13, 2005
"Guy1: Yeah, we just came in from huntin' the trukey woods back there,
lots
of turkeys in there.
Guy2: Did you get anything?
Guy1: We got a bass. "
April 19, 2005
"All I want for Christmas is a real good tan." - Kenny Chesney
May 3, 2005
Floccinaucinihilipilification is actually a real word. It means:
the estimation of something as worthless. It is also noted for
being one of the longest words in the dictionary. This word came
up in one of the shows I listen to on the radio each weekend, and
no body knew what it was. The scary thing is, I did. When I was
in 10th grade, I had a whole list of the longest words in the
dictionary and of course, this one was among that list. Needless
to say, I was pretty proud of myself for knowing this word. I didn't
even have to know it for school, it was my own curiosity that led
me to it all those years ago. Crazy, huh?
May 17, 2005
Never stand behind a sneezing cow. Many laws of
physics are obeyed there; not the least of which
'equal and opposite reactions'
May 24, 2005
Bad mental picture provided by a co-worker:
Husky biker woman that looks like she would eat rattle snake meat.
Disclaimer: Don't ask me where that came from... it was funny at the time.
Guess its another one that you had to be there for. Sorry.
June 5, 2005
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.
Excerpted from the book, "Zen Judaism" by David Bader:
April 11, 2005
June 12, 2005
A rancher named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked
the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road...
"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that,
at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to
the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie,
my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck
and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into
one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad
and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his
gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in
hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the h**l would you say?"
Jim
P.S. On the show a few weeks ago, Tom and Ray mentioned that there is soundproof
glass around their booth. They need to replace it. I can still hear them
June 20, 2005
"Most everybody wants to drive a car, but how many people really should?"
June 29, 2005
"There is one good thing that came out of the Michael Jackson
verdict: there are a lot of snowballs down in hell that are
feeling a lot better about their chances!"
August 2, 2005
"In space, no one can hear you scream when you hit your
thumb with a hammer." -Reference to successful repairs by
space shuttle Discovery
August 9, 2005
"If everybody is thinking the same thing, then some one
must not be thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton
August 9, 2005
Advantages of being from the South:
You can call someone the worst insult, no matter how bad, or
how unsubstantiated and get away with it so long as you add
"bless their heart" to the end of it.
Example: That man is so overweight, bless his heart.
September 19, 2005
"Why are so many towns named after water towers???"
September 26, 2005
"Isn't it amazing how weak the force of gravity is?? I mean
think about it, you can pick up a paper clip with a very weak,
very small magnet, even though its got the entire Earth pulling it back
down."
I never really thought about it that way, until I heard this on the
radio this weekend.
October 3, 2005
"They're way too high-strung over there.... they've got way too much
coffee.
I went over there to (insert city name) the other day, they've got a Starbucks
every three feet."
October 24, 2005
"Your call may be monitored for our amusement."
November 14, 2005
===================================================================================
"Innovation sometimes leads to people falling flat on their face."
December 4, 2005
"We have diversity up there on the north shore..
there's doctors..... and lawyers" --Harold Ramis
"They always say cats land on their feet....maybe you're
just not throwing it the right way." --Harold Ramis
December 12, 2005
A Q and A section:
Q:How do you double the value of a Trabant?
A:Fill the tank with petrol.
Q:What information is contained in each new Trabant owner's manual?
A:The bus timetable.
Q:What's the difference between a Trabant and a golf ball?
A:You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Q:How do you overtake a Trabant?
A:Just keep walking.
Q:How do you make a Trabant disappear?
A:Apply rust remover.
Q:What are the instructions on the new Trabant airbags?
A:In case of accident, start blowing.
December 19, 2005
(kinda had to be there for this one,
just the way it was said....funny stuff.)
"Its the most wonderful time of the year....D*@n it!!"
December 29, 2005
"Everybody makes mistakes, this radio show included, but what makes
us
special is that when we dig ourselves in a hole, well, we break out the
steam shovel and start making our way to the very center of the Earth."
January 8, 2006
"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."
---cliche? perhaps, but that what I was thinking a lot about when this
---weekend was over.
January 22, 2006
Robert Temple and His Soulfolk Ensemble
"Turn Signal"
I've been driving,
all over this land.
There's this one thing,
I don't understand.
To the left of the steering wheel,
lays that little stick.
Why don't you help us out,
and give it a flick.
Cause your car is kinda heavy,
and its better that we knew,
what you were trying to do.
Hey Hey, a turn signal.
Why don't you use it?
A turn signal,
You can't abuse it.
A turn signal,
You don't have a clue
Cause you've never driven...
Behind you.
Feburary 20, 2006
(another one you had to be there for, I guess)
"She's the kindest little old lady, she scares the heck out of me!"
March 7, 2006
[calmly]"Shall we run for our lives?" "Yes, let's do."
March 20, 2006
"Love is looking into someone's eyes and seeing everything you need."
:D
March 27, 2006
"I've done the calculation, and your chances of winning the lottery
are identical whether you play or not."
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
April 19, 2006